Once upon a time I had an idea about a blog. I wanted a place to share not just my experience but what I’ve learned through that experience. I talked it over with my youngest who is very social media savvy. She was enthusiastic about it and very encouraging. I nervously talked to the man and he surprised me with his endorsement of the idea. Unfortunately life had other ideas and put obstacle after obstacle in my way: the tiny child had a relapse, a move, an amputated fingertip. Eventually I started putting things together and then our year plus of exile happened. (Exile is my euphemistic way of referring to the period where we didn’t have a home and only temporary living conditions) Into that went the stress of buying a home.

Still with all the obstacles, the idea thrived. When I was able, I researched and learned. I recorded ideas. I gave myself time after we moved into our house to settle in and decided that the new year was a reasonable start. So here I am. Before starting I did reality checks with my family. I refined my goals and came up with a reasonable starting point. I knew it would be a big adjustment. It’s been years since I wrote regularly. It had been years since I did any video editing. I knew there would be a learning curve in new and refreshed skills. I knew that other things would have to take a backseat for a while as my energy went into this new project.

So I did it. I made it through the first week. I posted every day. I recorded and edited a weekly wrap-up. I adjusted as needed. I had frustrations as it took me longer than I wanted to learn necessary skills. I felt guilty.

Yep, I felt guilty. I knew that the first few weeks would really take it out of me. I knew there would not be energy for cooking. I had prepared food in the freezer plus a pantry full of foods. Everyone in the house can actually cook for themselves. No one was going to go hungry. I still felt guilty for not preparing food for my family. It’s a southern thing: Food is love.

I pushed through the weekend to get everything done. On Monday I finished and published the first video. I posted Tuesday’s blog post and let my family know I would take Tuesday off. Everyone heartily endorsed the plan. I went to bed Monday night with visions of serious bonding time with my kitchen and Instant Pot dancing in my head. My body had other ideas.

Yes, a day of making bone broth and soups would have emotionally felt good. However, the day off was just as much for my body as my soul. My body asserted its need to rest that I didn’t want to give it. Fast forward to last night. The man and I are in the kitchen putting together a simple dinner when he asks if we are now storing the Instant Pot on the counter. It was a reasonable question. We have an entire set of shelves devoted to kitchen appliances. Counter space is a premium commodity in our small kitchen. The answer was simple: I had planned to use the Instant Pot and had it ready on the counter. Recognizing my physical limitations, I had not used it and it could go back on the shelf.

I would like to say that I answered that simple question with the simple facts. That isn’t what happened. Instead my squirreled away guilt jumped out and quickly built defensive walls. They were not pretty walls.

It has taken me over a decade to learn that the quicker I give in to my body’s demands, the faster I will recover. It has taken me a long time to learn that my body simply can’t keep up with my ambitions – and even when it can a portion of each day still has to be used for proactive care. That runs right into over 50 years of the voice in my head that tells me to push through the pain, to ignore my body, to not give in. Obviously I have not won that war.

Here are the facts – I met my goals for the first week of blogging. I am proud of the work I produced. I learned things that will make future work easier. I took care of myself physically every day. My family had plenty to eat. No one was unhappy that I wasn’t in the kitchen cooking. I still wanted to apologize to the man for not doing enough.

I still feel out of balance after last night’s reaction to a simple question. It doesn’t feel good when your mind and your emotions directly contradict each other. I know I need to resolve that contradiction. It’s a stress I don’t need. It robs me of the joy that comes from doing a job you love. It creates unnecessary tension in my relationships. I’m just not sure where to start.

I ended the weekly wrap-up with a blessing of sorts. It wasn’t planned. It came from my heart. I need to say it to myself until it is incorporated in my psyche.

I will do what I need to do.
I will say what I need to say.
I will be who I need to be.
I will have the confidence to be Absolutely Perfect.

I need to add one more line for myself: I will let it be enough.